Do not compare your child with others

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Of: Natalie Hull Drawbar


Children must be able to develop and express themselves freely, which is probably what most parents want. Comparing is not good – why exactly?

If you listen to the mothers’ conversations on the playground, it is often the same topics about the offspring that are exchanged. And then, subliminally or directly, advice is given to each other and comparisons are made between the children: “How long have yours been able to sit up?” – “When did she start crawling?” – “He can already count to ten? Our son can’t do that yet!” – “How lucky you are that he can dress himself so independently, it doesn’t work at all with our child!” – “Your little one is so kind and polite, our son rests so quickly and doesn’t listen at all not to us.” These and other conversations will sound familiar to most parents.

Most people actually know that comparing children does not benefit either the parents themselves or the children – apart from frustration in most cases. The well-known family and education counselor Jan-Uwe Rogge tells what the background is for comparing parents and children and why it is important not to do it.

Parenting mistakes: parent bashing and focusing on children’s deficits

Every child is different – ​​parents should not compare their offspring. (Iconic image) © Valentina Barreto/Imago

The pressure that parents put on themselves has increased significantly in the last 20 to 30 years: raise their own children even better, encourage them even more, apply the necessary rigor in their upbringing, praise the children even more, and look after the offspring the best Always be aware of developments, eat as healthy as possible, preferably vegan.

What then puts mothers and fathers under further pressure is “parent bashing”, contrary to Jan-Uwe Rogge Rundschau online explained. “Parents are under close supervision, they are reprimanded and they are constantly told what to do. It is also one of the reasons why they always compare things and focus on what does not work for them,’ continues Rogge.

And it is not uncommon for them to apply this comparative attitude to their own children – even if they are fundamentally against it and also condemn it when they themselves are compared to other parents. “The problem is that many parents only see the shortcomings in their children and in themselves. Then you ask yourself: Why can the other child already do this, but mine can’t? What am I doing wrong? Why doesn’t it work so well for me?” explains the education supervisor.

It turns out that the so-called helicopter parents with this attitude raise less self-confident children and more children with behavioral disorders. And the so-called submarine parents also demonstrably harm their offspring. On many points, it would not be wrong to learn something from the Danes, who, according to a study, raise children the best in the world.

Mistakes in upbringing: Don’t compare children – parents damage development

The author Jan-Uwe Rogge, on the other hand, takes his point of departure from the well-known pedagogue Johann Heinrich Pestalozzi and his more than 100-year-old thesis: Never compare one child with another – always only with yourself. comparison gets another, so to speak Quality: You have to see the child in his own development. So parents should not ask themselves what their child can’t do, but what they can’t do yet. I think it is important to see the child as a person who is developing,’ emphasizes Rogge Rundschau online.

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Parental Mistake: Comparing Children Damages Self-Esteem

It is therefore important to always see your own child as an individual and to treat him as such. If parents were to directly convey to him that other children are doing “better”, it can have a devastating effect on the child’s self-esteem and self-confidence and harm healthy development.

Instead, the following applies: trust that the child follows his own individual path and provide incentives and ideas for this – but in your own child’s interest and not solely based on the development of other children. If parents put less pressure on themselves when it comes to raising children, this ultimately has a positive effect on the offspring’s satisfaction.

This article contains only general information about the respective health topic and is therefore not intended for self-diagnosis, treatment or medicine. It in no way replaces a visit to the doctor. Unfortunately, our editors are not allowed to answer individual questions about clinical images.

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