4 phrases that destroy our children’s self-esteem

We know Nicole Jäger as a bestselling author, stand-up comedian and podcaster. Despite her success and public recognition, she repeatedly fell into unhealthy, violent relationships – also because she lacked self-esteem. For familie.de, she summarized what parents can do to support their children (and especially daughters) in developing healthy self-esteem.

I dont have children. Why do I think I can still give parents some valuable tips? Because I know what it’s like to be a parent none healthy self-esteem along the way and also what the consequences may be.

My lack of self-esteem almost broke my neck. In the truest sense of the word.

Nicole Jaeger

When I sit on the sofa with my parents today and we recall family memories from that time, we are quite good at talking about all the beautiful things, togetherness and the feeling that only being at home can trigger in you. The one that somehow always feels like you’ve been 16 forever and just walked in the door. On a Sunday, when life always happened in the kitchen, and it always smelled a bit of cinnamon, a bit of dust and a bit of rain.

“You’ve become something,” Dad always says when we’re chatting in the living room between my parents’ apartment and mine, and Mom always confirms: “But it wasn’t always easy for her either.” Both parts are true. . I have become something. I am a bestselling author, stand-up comedian, podcaster and am regularly on stage or in front of cameras. I am an older sister, daughter, best friend, companion, artist. So maybe dad is right about that.

I am grateful for their efforts, for their courage to have children at all, and for always trying to love me, even though it may not always succeed.

Nicole Jaeger

“You basically lacked nothing,” is the unanimous opinion of many parents of my generation, meaning that we always had food, always a warm blanket, always a roof over our heads, always a place where we could and were . is allowed to feel more or less secure. Okay. All really mighty beautiful and as much as I love my parents, I am grateful for their efforts, for their courage to have children at all and for always trying to love me even if it didn’t always work out.

I have become something. Safe. I became everything I am today. That and a woman who has struggled all her life with a sense of self worth that I am all too easily stripped of. I just wrote a book about it. In fact, I have written a book about my experiences with domestic violence, violence in close relationships and the connection between experiencing violence and self-esteem.

Unbreakable: How My Lack of Self-Esteem Became a Problem and How I Overcame It

The price may be higher now. Price from 13/09/2022 01:58

Don’t get me wrong, it turned out to be a good book, no self-loathing. Warm. Very personal. Emotional. Full of love. I really like it. But if I didn’t have to write it and could have written something about raising wombat babies instead, simply because my self-esteem didn’t guide me into such a relationship, then that would have been perfectly fine too. My lack of self-esteem almost broke my neck. In the truest sense of the word.

I became everything I am today. That and a woman who has struggled with self-esteem her entire life.

Nicole Jaeger

Now that it’s all over, the relationship is over, and I’m in control of myself and my life for the most part, I’m often asked where the origin of low self-esteem comes from or where I should start working on it. The answer is always the same: It starts in childhood. This does not mean that the parents are to blame. Self-esteem is not about guilt. It’s about support.

4 no-no when you increase self-esteem

If we want a strong, self-loving adult who is able to know his own worth, then we must raise our children to be able to love themselves.

#1 Do not punish with love withdrawal.

We can all agree that physical violence is a no-go. However, psychological violence is no better, and this includes withdrawal of love. Even if not everyone is aware of it. Studies show that psychological violence is in no way inferior to physical violence and has far-reaching consequences. Punishing a child’s misbehavior by teaching, “If I make mistakes, they won’t love me anymore,” turns an insecure child into an insecure adult who has learned that it’s perfectly okay to deal with deprivation Punish love when it doesn’t work the way others want it to.

#2 Do not deny communication to a child.

Communication at eye level is a form of respect, and a child deserves it. Even when you are mad, disappointed, angry or sad. The refusal to communicate makes children mute and often helpless.

Silence is not a punishment. Silence is a lonely injury, and although we sometimes find it difficult to talk about our feelings ourselves, it helps to show that it is always important to have feelings, share them and listen. A child is allowed to speak and be noticed even if he makes mistakes. but also parents.

#3 Don’t be the adults you don’t want your children to be.

Children learn most from their parents. So set an example of how to treat each other with respect in a relationship. Show your boys how to deal with women and your girls that they have a voice and can say no. Be the men and women you want as partners for your children, after all, your own parents are the first great love for any child.

Loving your children also means raising them to be people who are able to value themselves. So that one day they grow up to be adults who can love themselves as much as you love them.

#4 Don’t raise your girls to hate themselves.

This point applies above all to parents of daughters, but also to sons. It sounds banal and obvious, but it is by no means. Girls are raised to be beautiful, reserved and approachable. They learn that their appearance is more important than their personality and that they must be beautiful first. A woman’s job is not to be beautiful in front of others, and a girl’s job is not to conform and be quiet. Give your children their own voice. Your own will and space to be yourself.

Actually, everything I wrote here is self-explanatory, right? So I sincerely hope this is the most redundant text in the world because none of you need it anymore. There is nothing I could wish for more.

Nicole Jaeger

Nicole Jaeger Archives

So and now back to Tacheles…

Actually, everything I wrote here is self-explanatory, right? So I sincerely hope this is the most redundant text in the world because none of you need it anymore. There is nothing I could wish for more.

However, we must not ignore one thing: one in four women will experience domestic violence at least once in their lives. This means that each of us knows at least one woman who is affected, mostly without knowing it. A good self-esteem cannot prevent this circumstance because in the end it is the perpetrators and never the victims who are to blame. But from experience, I can say that good and strengthened self-esteem may not save the world, but it can save the world for your child and help you quickly and healthily break out of toxic partnerships as an adult.

Nicole Jäger’s new book: Inexhaustible

In Unbreakable: How My Lack of Self-Esteem Became a Problem and How I Came Out of It, Nicole talks about her experiences, the low points of a dangerous relationship, psychological terror and nagging self-doubt. A brave, intimate book about hope and finding true love – for yourself. With great sensitivity, she describes what her life looked like between TV appearances, death threats, applause and the feeling of not being enough – and how important that was a strong self-esteem is to get out of unhealthy relationships.

Unbreakable: How My Lack of Self-Esteem Became a Problem and How I Overcame It
Unbreakable: How My Lack of Self-Esteem Became a Problem and How I Overcame It

The price may be higher now. Price from 13/09/2022 01:58

These books are also published by Nicole:

Not quite perfect: The naked truth about being a woman
Not quite perfect: The naked truth about being a woman

The price may be higher now. Price from 13/09/2022 13:09

The Fat Burner: An Anatomy of Losing Weight
The Fat Burner: An Anatomy of Losing Weight

The price may be higher now. Price from 09/12/2022 23:32

Our video tip for you: Strong women in film

How does your relationship with your mother shape you?

Image source: Nicole Jäger archive

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