J. Peirano: I’m constantly tense and I can not enjoy my children

Actually, Henning wants to enjoy time with his family. But the constantly rotating head ensures constant tension. How can he find more rest?

Dear Mrs Peirano,

I am 34, married and the father of two young children (4 and 1). I wanted the kids and should actually be happy to have two healthy kids and live in a good relationship. But I often feel stressed and overwhelmed. I often do not get to enjoy the moments with my children, but instead am absent with my head and ponder the work. Or I get annoyed at little things in the household and quarrel with my wife about it, even though I actually well know it’s unnecessary.

She accuses me of being very tense and having little access to my emotions. I can not enjoy or live in the now. She is very unhappy with it because she is completely engrossed in the role of mother and would like to enjoy it with me.

I see myself as a troublemaker and suffer from it. But I also have no idea how I can learn to enjoy things or turn off the carousel of thoughts in my head. With my parents, life was always tense and busy, and I just learned not to enjoy or be in the now.

What do you advise me to do?

Many greetings

Henning T.

Dear Henning T,

it is good that you have already acknowledged the problem yourself.

In our hectic, performance-oriented society with demands for constant availability and constant flow of news (mostly threatening), it is extremely difficult to keep in touch with oneself and to calm down!

Thousands of people respond to the constant sensory overload with nervous and physical stress: with sleep disorders, muscle tension, pain, stomach problems and often with hypersensitivity to stimuli. In fact, these signals from the body are warning signals that are supposed to protect our system. Just as we feel pain when we put our hand on the stove and the pain tells us, “take your hand away, otherwise your tissue will burn”, so the stress symptoms are warning signs on our soul to protect us from more serious injury (e.g. a burnout or consequential damage such as tinnitus).

But many people are cut off from their own emotions and can no longer understand the messages their bodies send to protect them. Instead of being grateful, they become angry that they can no longer function as they want and try to continue as before. They might wish they had more rest, but they do not know how to stop or even return.

Many people who have a tight schedule (like yours) and feel they are functioning instead of living are losing access to their holistic, intuitive thinking. The majority of our thinking, namely 95-98 percent, takes place unconsciously. Only two percent of our thought processes are linear and logical!

To gain a broader mental horizon and access to our unconscious and intuitive thinking (or rather: to regain it because every child and every animal is born with it), it is worth training.

That is good news! Because you are used to dealing with to-do lists and systematic steps, you can also use the same system and discipline to regain inner peace and intuition. Very practical and handy. To get a clearer idea of ​​what I mean by intuition and holistic thinking, I recommend watching the documentary InnSae, The Power of Intuition. There you will find out what intuition really is and what incredible mental accomplishments it initially enables.

Then there is the practical exercise. Here I recommend you take an MBSR course. MBSR stands for Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction.

You can e.g. see the courses in your area at the MBSR Umbrella Organization. There are always eight evenings and a full day of practice, teaching techniques such as body scanning, meditation, walking meditation, breathing meditation and pleasure training. A lot goes on in silence – it may immediately seem strange to be silent, but after a while it is very beneficial. Basically, many of these techniques were taken over from the Far Eastern spiritual schools as Buddhism and liberated from any religious or ideological component.

These courses are very useful: you learn to relax, to get in better touch with yourself and to keep it with regular practice, to enjoy, to stay in the present more often and also to take care of yourself.

I can imagine that this access is an excellent basis for you to get closer to your sensory experience (hear, taste, see, touch) and thus more joy and peace in dealing with your children (who are at this level experience world).

In addition, it is very important to spend a lot of time in silence and in nature to develop more mindfulness. So better not a Sunday trip where the past week’s problems are discussed, but for example a canoe trip on a remote canal, an overnight stay in a tent, hiking in the woods or in the mountains.

And of course, it’s very important not to be available sometimes. So turn off your computer and cell phone, do not consume any media, but take your time in the moment. I would almost say: the more often, the better.

I hope these suggestions will give you enough technique to regain consciousness and live more consciously and happily. It would be best if your wife attends the course with you, because then you can motivate each other and use your imagination to invent new mindfulness techniques for your family.

Yours sincerely

Juliet Peirano

Leave a Comment