Germany is a mother’s boy country! According to the Federal Statistical Office, young adults in Germany are leaving their homes later and later. 35 percent of 25-year-old men still lived with their parents in 2020, at the age of 30 it was still 13 percent. Daughters usually leave Hotel Mama earlier.
Why it is, explains Dr. Filip Caby, chairman of the German Society for Systemic Therapy, Counseling and Family Therapy e. V. The expert also explains why relocation is an important developmental stage and what announcement parents should best use to “throw” their offspring out of the house or apartment.
Nest chair – why, why, why?
dr In his job, Filip Caby often encounters families where a child has made himself a little too comfortable in the nest. “I get surprised when young adults do not take the step to self-employment,” says the therapist.
His explanation: “We live in a world with more and more possibilities. It’s nice, but at the same time it’s harder to make a decision. Many young people have difficulty finding their own path as adults. They feel overwhelmed and then prefer to stay in their parents’ safe home. ”
Colossal events such as the war in Ukraine, the corona pandemic or the costly explosion also create fear and support the reflex to stay at home.
Young men also stay longer in the parental home because men tend to commit to permanent partnerships later than women. The daughters tend to enter into a serious relationship earlier and then move into a shared apartment.
pseudo detachment process
Moving out of the parental home means a process of separation from both sides – the child detaches from the parents and the parents from the child. But if the offspring stays at home, there are often quarrels and a pseudo-replacement process.
What does it mean? Dr Filip Caby explains: “The constant quarrels give the impression that parents and children are breaking up – but in reality they are standing still. As long as the child does not move out, the necessary replacement cannot take place. ”
Dr Filip Caby: “The quarrel with the parents is annoying, but the young people weigh what the slightest evil is. Quarrel or actually undress. Living alone means much more than washing the clothes yourself. More important is the fear of having to take responsibility for all areas of life. ”
The golden message to throw out
As a parent, you want your child to finally move out, but you do not know how to say it? Here’s the blunt truth from the therapist: Just say it!
Dr Filip Caby: “Do not turn around in the bush or get stuck in explanations of why it would be good for your child to move out. Your message should be clear: “We want you to move out. We want our kingdom for ourselves now.”
No help finding an apartment
The phrase “I want you to move out” is said, but the nest stool insists that it is impossible to find housing with his funds? Should you offer your child your help finding an apartment?
dr It clearly rejects Filip Caby. “If possible, the young adult must find housing himself. You can not be led into self-employment, you have to take the step yourself. “
That does not mean you should give your child the cold shoulder from now on. Just avoid suggesting solutions to your child – they should be allowed to make their own experiences. Assure instead of your offspring: “You can count on my support when you move out, please think about what form it will take.”
Dr Filip Caby: “It sounds harsh, but as long as parents help be independent, neither party heard the shot.”
Parents have the right to their own lives
The process of replacement means a new phase in life for both sides: the offspring take their development into their own hands. And you as parents can finally start your second spring. After more than two decades of washing, cooking, cleaning, organizing, you have every right to do so.
A big step with sometimes unpleasant decisions. Do you want to stay a couple even without children in the house? Do you want to move? What activities do you want to use to take advantage of the free time? It is often not only the children who are afraid of the new phase of life.
Take courage! A look at the Scandinavian countries shows that it is worth it. The Swedes are frontrunners among the early precocialists. On average, young Swedes move out at the age of 16. It provides less stress. No wonder the Swedes are in the top 10 in the world rankings of the happiest countries, “World Happiness Report”, while Germany is not.
Dr Filip Caby: “In Sweden, independence and personal responsibility are very important. In families, people try to find common solutions that are good for everyone involved. ”